The wordplay and internal rhymes are impressive. Phrases like ‘desire is festering and guilt is glistening’ are vivid and can make you wince. The uneven line breaks add a ticking-clock rhythm—like a train nearing a crash. Great job!
You’re very welcome, Veronica. It definitely shows.
There’s a real sense of control beneath the emotional intensity of the piece. The rhyme scheme and line breaks don’t just decorate the poem — they help create that pressure-building rhythm. I always admire it when a writer can make the form carry part of the feeling too.
The train can have its pretty wreck. I wanted one of them to climb off those tracks, muddy knees and all, and run somewhere the same old town couldn’t find them. They know it’s rotten. They check anyway, and dang it... I wish they wouldn’t.
Every time I hear stuff like this, I wanna think to a situation that I’m in where while we’ve encouraged each other you know, somehow in absence not to make assumptions or or not to speculate, these works don’t necessarily talk of whether or not anyone is talking to the people on the tracks in a way that is satisfying in need for communication. I understand it might just be a poem that has some open ends that might not be to do with anyone but more an idea. My question is if you’re thinking about the idea, have you talked to who it’s actually based on? Otherwise it feels like wank to me.
Someone could say the same to some of what I write, I’m sure. But I’m also sure she knows who she is. If she wrote a reply to anything I’ve said from a sock puppet account, it’s different. How would I know it’s her. That doesn’t make her a villain. It just makes her more willing to seek validation from strangers than courageous to face the person she’s talking about. Or maybe she doesn’t talk at all about me. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just see things like this and feel compelled to reply since I can’t seem to be thought of as capable of having an adult conversation with the one who might communicate with me if I was. Time will tell I suppose. Sorry for the rant. Or if it stirs up something positive, thanks for reading.
The wordplay and internal rhymes are impressive. Phrases like ‘desire is festering and guilt is glistening’ are vivid and can make you wince. The uneven line breaks add a ticking-clock rhythm—like a train nearing a crash. Great job!
What beautiful compliments! I do think about the rhyme scheme and the line breaks intentionally. Thank you very much!
You’re very welcome, Veronica. It definitely shows.
There’s a real sense of control beneath the emotional intensity of the piece. The rhyme scheme and line breaks don’t just decorate the poem — they help create that pressure-building rhythm. I always admire it when a writer can make the form carry part of the feeling too.
Love, or is it not love?
Is it only an endless spiral -
blurring, tightening,
within me,
taking me aback?
Black, black crystals becoming.
Light.
Light turning dark.
I can’t see any love
in this darkness
circling around us.
Is there any to be found?
Or will light reveal
the lies around us?
The train can have its pretty wreck. I wanted one of them to climb off those tracks, muddy knees and all, and run somewhere the same old town couldn’t find them. They know it’s rotten. They check anyway, and dang it... I wish they wouldn’t.
Indeed! It’s hard to look away.
sometimes
the train
doesn't derail
at the end
sometimes
it leaves
the station
already doomed,
carrying
two hopeful hearts
who mistake
momentum
for destiny....
the train remains
carrying on ahead.
but, darling,
you must understand.
there’s no such thing as fate,
and destiny is dead.
🕣
Only a matter of time…
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t escaping the tracks, it’s realizing we tied ourselves there.
Yep, and the realization stings…
It may sting, but sometimes, it's a wake up call
What are you checking for ?
The ruin of a trainwreck
Every time I hear stuff like this, I wanna think to a situation that I’m in where while we’ve encouraged each other you know, somehow in absence not to make assumptions or or not to speculate, these works don’t necessarily talk of whether or not anyone is talking to the people on the tracks in a way that is satisfying in need for communication. I understand it might just be a poem that has some open ends that might not be to do with anyone but more an idea. My question is if you’re thinking about the idea, have you talked to who it’s actually based on? Otherwise it feels like wank to me.
Someone could say the same to some of what I write, I’m sure. But I’m also sure she knows who she is. If she wrote a reply to anything I’ve said from a sock puppet account, it’s different. How would I know it’s her. That doesn’t make her a villain. It just makes her more willing to seek validation from strangers than courageous to face the person she’s talking about. Or maybe she doesn’t talk at all about me. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just see things like this and feel compelled to reply since I can’t seem to be thought of as capable of having an adult conversation with the one who might communicate with me if I was. Time will tell I suppose. Sorry for the rant. Or if it stirs up something positive, thanks for reading.
I feel this. Love can be so beautiful and painful at the same time 🤍 Beautiful poem